confessions of a beachnik

resurface

2006-05-17T13:56:00.000+08:00

let's just say i decided to take someone's advice and keep this thing going.

sometimes all we need is a little nudge of encouragement. wink wink.

check out

http://iislandgirll.multiply.com

checking in

2005-07-20T22:11:00.000+08:00

been down and out. excited. frustrated. harassed. stressed. need a break. badly.
africa will be fun...looking forward to it.
miss my friends... wanna go home so badly.
working under pressure... don't know if i can stand it any longer. should. would. could? don't know anymore.
despite all that... still loving my life.

hangin in there... soon i'll be better. write better..

been in my own world lately but it's still a party.
everybody else can wait. what i have to do comes first. working up the will to get going. am going. still going.

will write about my trip when i come back.
meanwhile.... back to my own world.

love you all.

escape

2005-03-21T20:47:00.000+08:00

it is dark. you don't know where you are. you are neither here nor there. caught in between two worlds, you cannot choose. but it is one or the other. deep down you know you have to decide. you are confused. torn. when has life ever been so complicated? your heart is wrenched, squeezed dry of every emotion. you don't want to feel. you make exuses. going forward means new horizons... a brand new life. no skeletons in the closet, no boundaries, no expectations to live up to. you can sever all ties with your past and move on. some of them have. yet you can't. you know that those ties make you who you are. you are lost without them. you hate to admit it even to yourself. you know that going back is what you really want to do. but you are scared. do they expect you to be? you are afraid of what they'll think either way. you can't help it. you are caught in between two worlds. you cannot choose, and you cannot escape.

little isabel

2005-03-16T18:28:00.000+08:00

please visit http://www.isabelcoupland.com

story of a sick little girl... i was especially touched because i have a little sister who is just as old as isabel is. she's an inspiration to all of us who lack the courage to be strong and persevere... it reminds me that we have to be childlike in our hopes and dreams... always believing and aiming high instead of being pessimists.

anyways, maybe we can all send her a message of hope and encouragement. visit her blog and reach out to her.

swallowing life's medicines

2005-02-20T23:24:00.000+08:00

lesson 1: waking up at 5.30 in the morning for an important field trip isn't as much fun when you've only slept for an hour the previous night.

lesson 2: it's not THAT easy to sleep in a van full of chattering teenagers. thank apple for ipods.

lesson 3: hash browns, cheetos, and coffee = mad rush for the bathroom

lesson 4: having thirteen jackets in the closet is pretty useless if you forget to bring one on rainy days and cold car rides anyway.

lesson 5: deciding what you really want to be when you grow up is no piece of chicken shit. especially if you don't really want to grow up just yet.

.... my Environmental Science class had to take a field trip to the seven lakes of San Pablo last Saturday. Our faculty thought it would be good exposure for us Freshies to get a glimpse of the lifestyles of the upperclassmen who were already getting started on their thesis projects. The experience was both an eye-opening and a confusing one for me. My classmates and i spent the day water and soil sampling, as well as getting to know the community that lived by the lakes and exploring and studying the wildlife habitats..it made me realize once again how much i loved this kind of work, and it made me think twice about my previous decision to shift to the psychology program.

I don't like having my decisions questioned by anyone, especially not by my own conscience. But just when i thought i had it all figured out, something like this happens and I end up being more confused than ever.

One thing is for sure. I love environmental science. (the major subjects anyway. none of that math and chemistry thank you). I used to want to be a marine biologist so badly. i still want to be one to this day. But i also want a shot at the whole environmental lawyer thing... hmm. maybe that's the problem, there's so much i want to do!

so. ES majors working on their thesis. yes. I want to be there. It's the getting-there part that makes me doubt if i still want to be where i am today.

Talking to my teachers and blockmates, however, made me realize something i had somehow known all along but refused to accept: No dream is achieved without a LOT of sacrifices... and lately it seems that i haven't been able to bring myself to make them. i know i will get over all the problems i have been burdening myself with. When i think about them now, i realize how shallow most of them are. it used to be all about "who got the most fun out of his/her life?" or "who has the most friends?" or "who's cool and who's not?"... all those things were issues in high school that don't matter as much now as it did back then. so i figure that what i'm worried about right now won't be too much of an issue 3-4 years into the future, and will evaporate much like the problems of high school have.

I guess the hard part isn't so much the "figuring out what you have to do" as it is the "knowing what you have to do but not wanting to do it". For some time there i was in the dark. i went along with the flow too much...cared too much about what other people said and did... and i lost myself. But getting a taste of what could be in store for me has put me back on track.

for many people it may be about the money. it may be about the success, the fame. for me it's always been about making a difference. i may not still know what exactly i'm supposed to be... but at least i have my dreams and my passions back. i'll start from there, and should the need for sacrifices come up (and i know they will), i'll have those to help me make the right decision.

on the other hand

2005-02-14T23:24:00.000+08:00

valentines day this year seems to be having a lot of mixed up reviews. for some people, like mom and dad, for example, who right now are vacationing in bali (hehe), valentines is a reason to celebrate. for some others, like the dude who made it his mission to try and impress his single female classmates by serenading them and doling out rosebuds, it's a day of frustration and disappointment (he didn't get a single date). however, what i don't understand is why we only choose to act this way on the 14th of february. what's wrong with the other 364 days of the year? why is all the love and compassion only given on one measly day? don't get me wrong. i'm not anti-valentines. i just think that valentines is everybody else's excuse to take the world for granted the rest of the year. i'm not just talking about the lovebirds. i mean the whole world, the homeless, the underprivileged, the lonely and the alone... we designate so many "special occasions" for all kinds of things, when in fact we should treat each day as a special day for everyone. little gifts and acts of kindness mean so much more when they're given for no reason or occasion at all.

on a lighter note, i did receive the cutest little grey teddy and the most delicate tulip today. thanks mark! mwah!

PS. just a little correction about bhoomi. mom didn't like the name. so it's lyle now, and she's the cutest little thing. i can't wait to see her.

PPS. fyi... bhoomi is a hindu name that means "little ball of earth". i still think it's the perfect name for a rotweiler pup.

bhoomi

2005-02-02T18:40:00.000+08:00

only two more days till friday. bhoomi's finally coming home. she'll be barely two months by then. dad's going to have to take her to the vet often to get her shots, and i wish i could be there with her.

my friends were surprised when i told them i was getting myself a dog. they were even more surprised to find out that i was planning to get a rottweiler. but rotties are cute. i love the way they're so loyal to only one master, and the way they're really calm and confident, unlike the other frisky puppies i've seen. i've gotten every possible resource i could on how to raise a pup properly, how to make sure it stays healthy, etc etc. i'm really getting into the whole doggie business. who would've thought, huh? they say a person's choice of dog says a lot about the kind of person they are. i wonder what mine says about me..

anyway, i guess bhoomi is another reason for going home this march, and i'm looking forward to it. first, though, i've to get through finals and this whole shifting process. it's a hassle, but being willing to go through it is my self- reassurance that i'm really working to get what i want. there's nothing like being your own cheerleader! it's not like i have a choice, since no one else is around anyway. but i've pretty much gotten used to being on my own these days. i'm really starting to enjoy the liberality of being able to decide for myself when i'm going to do what and where i'm going at whatever time. of course, certain people demand that a certain amount of time be spent with them, but i'm also starting to get used to it, especially since they've also been busy minding their own business lately... haha! i suppose living the manila life is just like that...
hmm..
i could get used to it.

missing the beach...

2005-01-19T19:08:00.000+08:00

hamsters are soo lazy. zola has slept for the most part of the day. the only time i remember her being awake is when i came to bring her food and some water to drink. then it was back to sleep for her. maybe the weather has misled her animal instincts and told her it was hibernation time. but i'm not even sure hamsters hibernate. oh well.

school has been hectic for the past two weeks and i've barely had time to catch my breath and just relax. my four hour chem lab has been cancelled today, though, and i've had the whole afternoon to myself. now i find that i'm bored because there's nothing to do. okay, so i have a nat sci midterm tomorrow and i should really get starting, but something's been on my mind lately and i can't get it out...

i miss the beach. more than i've ever missed it before. i'm craving the harsh heat of the sun and the salty taste of the sea spray as it splashes over dad's boat. i miss the way that sand always gets stuck in all the wrong places after i go into the water for a swim. i miss the early morning kayak rides to my favorite spot... the first lagoon, quiet and hidden and serene... where it's so deep you can't even see the sand at the bottom, where you feel as if you're in a different universe... or that you're dreaming and God has allowed you a glimpse of paradise... where the resident eagle never fails to drop by for a visit, spreading its wings wide over the water, gliding so gracefully that you'd think it was just floating on thin air... i miss the familiar gurgle of air bubbles coming out of the regulator as i descend on a dive, the weightless feeling of being underwater, the calm that the reef brings as the colors of the fish and coral wax and wane with the refraction of sunlight... i miss the sound of the birds waking me up in the morning with their exotic calls, the scuttle of little hermit crabs on the limestone, the pleasant solitude of long walks along turtle beach, the familiarity of roaming through the pathwalks scattered throughout the island... the magnificent silence of night, with the only sounds being those of waves gently lapping the shore, lulling me to sleep... when the vast expanse of sky is filled with millions and millions of stars... when it is so dark that you can no longer distinguish sky from sea when you look out to the horizon... little fireflies flitting about near the palm trees, engrossed in their own little love dances...i miss the sound of the rain pitter pattering on the nipa roof of the house and trickling down bamboo pipes into big catchment drums. i miss the smell of salt and sand and sea and food and fly wax all mingled into one distinct scent that is nature... that is danjugan...

two more months till summer... danjugan is calling... no matter... i'll be home soon...

crossing paths

2005-01-12T23:21:00.000+08:00

just a couple of days ago bianca told me she was going back to bacolod for good. i'd laughed it off and thought she was just having another one of her moods... she's such a drama queen. but here i am three days later and it seems that she's really serious after all. she promised she would hang out with me before she left. one last shopping spree before she leaves...

we've been friends for so many years, our lives crossing at several different points... there was ballet school at tita lydia's when we'd sit around at bay center eating food our yayas bought for us while we waited for our turn to dance. i remember how she was so dedicated that she continued long before i quit and we lost touch.

then came junior year at ssa, when i dared to venture into a new school and we became friends again... so many memories, roller coaster emotions over our senior year cebu trip, the endless shopping... how we were always the first to get back on the bus after visiting a factory but the last when we came from the mall...

then college... hanging out at coffee bean drinking coffee until 2 in the morning, planning and pondering our future, where we were headed and what we wanted to do, gossiping about the latest bacolod news, missing our friends and wishing they were with us, texting them in the middle of the night just to tell them that we should go to ek together sometime...

i remember christmas break and how i didn't want to come back to manila... bianca felt the same way... she must have really wanted it more than i did to be brave enough to go back home, something i might never have the guts to do. somewhere deep down i'm still trying to convince myself that there's something out there for me, someplace where i can be uninhibited, where nobody knows me nor cares about my past... but that's a different story. what matters is that i still know that i want bacolod to be home, a place i can come back to from time to time and reconnect with the people and places i know and love... someday.

i guess that "someday" for me has already come for bianca... i have no doubts that she is doing what she thinks is best for her. i know there can be no regrets because she is following her heart... i can only miss her and wish i could be with her. but i know that our paths will cross again.. just like they always have in the past.

iang, if you're reading this then i'm just reminding you that if you forget me im gonna kill you. haha love you girl!! take care!

friendster blues

2004-12-27T10:21:00.000+08:00

when friendster first became a hit back in 2003, people scrambled to set up their own accounts. the idea was ingenius. what better way to keep track of your friends? it especially became something of a novelty in Bacolod, what with everybody knowing everybody else. pretty soon, the number of friends one had in his account became something of a status symbol...

anyway...

it was one of those days when i was so bored that i decided to really browse through my network of friends that i realized i didn't even keep in touch with more than half of the people in my account, and worse, i didn't personally know about a third of my supposed "friends". instead of making me feel closer to the rest of the world, it just made me feel as if i had landed from a different timezone. where have i been???

nowhere, really... i just haven't been in touch.

looking back on old testimonials, past messages, and newly updated profiles made me feel... (okay, i admit it) a bit nostalgic. how could time have split so many of us apart without us noticing it? we get so caught up in forging new connections that we barely remember to slow down and renew old friendships... we get so involved in our own lives that we neglect to reach out to others the way we did when we were little, back when life didn't seem so complicated and our imaginations didn't have any limits.

i guess i'm just really missing my friends... it's been almost a year since high school graduation and starting college in a different place somehow just made past memories with them slip away... and even though the few times we get to spend with each other are spent reminiscing and catching up with one another's lives... the memories just seem all the more bittersweet.

sniff.

bittersweet confusion

2004-12-26T11:50:00.000+08:00

as always, spending time in my hometown jumbles up my emotions... and i become one hell of a bitch... at least sometimes. most of the time, though, i can't help but be confused by it all... when the whole year round i have waited for the moment when i could finally come home and be among friends and family, and now that i am here i long for the independence i have gotten so used to in manila. why is life so unfair? i wish i could be a magician and make all my friends suddenly just live in manila. or it could be the other way around and i could be living here but still enjoy my college independence.

as it is, i am again stuck at home... wondering how time can move so slowly... no doubt about it, bacolod is a universe all on its own, moving at its own laidback pace, oblivious to the rest of the world... granted, it's a sunday and it really is meant to be a lazy day... after all these parties and heavy eating i suppose i should welcome a quiet day at home. but somehow i can't seem to keep still. there's got to be something to do!!! but what???

when scrooge comes to visit

2004-12-26T01:31:00.000+08:00

the smell of roasted chestnuts fill the air as christmas tunes float through the open doorways... our house is ablaze with white and gold lights and my little cousins scamper across the floor clutching their newly opened presents. laughter drifts in from the terrace... tito paul must have cracked another one of his jokes...

it is 3o minutes past midnight, and just when i am beginning to think that it is one of the best christmases ever, i get an unexpected visit from "mr. bah-humbug" himself.

it makes me uptight to think about the way some people look at christmas... they don't look beyond the parties, the food, and the number of presents they receive... it's as if the whole meaning of christmas has been reduced to such small proportions... but how shallow can the human heart be if it cannot feel the simple joy that the yuletide season brings?

i have long stopped believing in Santa Claus as the mysterious being who drops gifts underneath the tree... i know that is a myth only little children believe. unfortunately for some people, with the loss of faith in Santa Claus also comes the loss of faith in the true spirit of Christmas... a spirit of joy and compassion, of thanksgiving and gratitude, of charity and generosity... it is the spirit of being able to appreciate what we have... the same spirit that up until tonight, i believed i had carried inside me.

my doubts began to resurface when mr. scrooge came. he didn't like this year's celebration at all. he was cold and depressed and full of complaints. he didn't even respond when i tried to cheer him up with a "merry christmas!!!"... i wonder, am i the only one who can still feel? or am i the one being played? does christmas still live on in other people's hearts?

still, there is not much i can do... if only Santa were here... i now know exactly what i want for christmas.